Because, Fear

If you had asked me as a young child, I would have told you my life goal was to go skydiving. Over the years, as I developed a fear of heights, the impulse to go skydiving morphed into something I would never, ever do.

How have I now found myself in New Zealand at an airport where I am about to… jump out of an airplane?

The idea came to me about a month earlier while riding on a transcontinental train from Philadelphia to Oregon. I heard a voice in my head that told me, “Go to the other side of the world and go skydiving. You have nothing to lose.” I hated that idea, but I knew it needed to happen. (I might be a crazy person.)

Everyone at this tiny airport is asking if I am okay, but I don’t want to talk about it. If I am honest about the fear consuming me, I may not follow through. I am in the depths of some kind of self-induced, self-destructive, terror.

When it comes down to it, I know that I am here because I need to prove to myself that I can push my own boundaries. I am here because I know I can get past fear and do anything.

Waiting to go skydiving - Do not confuse this face with one of bravery.

I have been told repeatedly that a double parachute failure is extremely rare. I am told that they have only seen two people vomit. (I am also told that they have never seen anyone poop their pants while skydiving, because I ask.)

After what feels like forever, a man comes over to attach some harnesses or something to me. I immediately notice he has the same intense blue eyes as me. He says his name is Andrew and I kind of feel like we are the same person, because of our eyes. He's going to jump with me. He sounds like he is from Ireland but I am too afraid of reality at this point to engage in small talk.

If I hear my voice, it might mean this is really happening.

The plane finally pulls up. Don't think. Just keep moving forward.

I cannot even describe the terror pulsating through my body. Everything hurts and I feel sick.

I know that if I don’t go through with it, the disappointment and regret will outweigh everything else. I can’t turn around now. No one has forced me to be here. 

Andrew and I get into the plane. He shows me a little red thing that I’m supposed to do something with in the event that the plane goes down, but I can’t process what he’s saying.

The plane takes off. We’re going higher and higher. The things on the ground are getting smaller and soon we are above the clouds. I’m looking out the window, remembering that I’m afraid of airplanes and feeling especially uncomfortable in this little tin can with wings. I hate this. There is no turning back.

Blue-eyed Andrew and my face full of fear.

I feel like I’m tired now and I’d rather just take a nap instead. Andrew hands me an oxygen mask.

The two guys sitting closest to the door roll it up. A huge burst of wind and noise fill the airborne tin can.

Those two guys. Guess what they do? They just jump out! I see them falling. They fall so much faster than I ever imagined.

I feel sick. What am I doing?

Andrew yells at me to scoot over to the door and… hang my legs over.

What have I done?

That is not an excited smile. I think my face just does that by default.

Don’t look at the ground. Don't look down. Don’t think. Don’t cause a scene. Oh, look at the wing.

And then.
We’re falling.

Noooo! I changed my mind!

We are falling.

We are falling and falling.

I see the ground. It is so far away. 

It feels terrible.

I don't need to breathe because the air is violently forcing itself up my nose.

And we're spinning. Spinning!

“Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! We’re going to spin out of control and we won’t be able to deploy the parachute! It’s going to get all tangled up!” I'm thinking.

I try to scream, “NO!” only to realize that the noise from the wind is SO loud! He can't hear me!

He spins us again and again.

I'm going to pass out.

I am alone.

Not smiling.

Andrew is having a great time!

Suddenly! WHOOSH!!!!!

THE PARACHUTE DEPLOYED! I AM PROBABLY GOING TO SURVIVE!

I'm thinking: Who am I?

It’s not until this moment, floating peacefully in the sky, that I realize... I did not poop myself. Thank you, body. Woo!

Andrew tells me to look at the smoking volcano, Mount Ruapehu (filmed as Mount Doom in Lord of the Rings)!

I’m alive.

My heart is racing so hard. I would not consider this a pleasant sensation in any way.

But do you know what? I did it.

I am terrified still, but I feel proud. I did it.

I did it.

The body of water is Lake Taupo - the result of a supervolcano!

 

When we eventually get to the ground, I fall over. I just want to lie in the grass. I want to be left alone.

I survived. I guess I can do anything.

Was there a moment that I thought I would actually not go through with it? Yes. The entire time. I can still barely believe I did it!

Would I do it again? I don't want to, but I would! 

Even though everything about this was horrifying, I could never be satisfied living a life where I am my own obstacle. 

I know I need to live my life in such a way that no one will even believe me. I need to live a life that I can barely believe in myself.