Ten years ago, on this date, I wrote a little essay imagining my life today. As embarrassing as much of this is and resisting all urges to make any edits, I'm extremely grateful that I have this! Stay tuned because I'll be publishing another short essay of the events that actually unfolded in these ten years along with my prediction for the next ten! Enjoy!
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Today is June 23, 2018 and I am 33 years old. If I was about five I’d be very specific and say 33½ but since my age doesn’t fit on my hands or toes anymore, I don’t mind the extra half year. Besides, time goes so much faster now anyway that that much time isn’t as significant as I once believed it to be. Today I am looking back at everything I have done in the last ten years. I am looking back and I feel good about the track I am on. Of course, that I have made it these ten years is incredible in itself. There is really no reason to assume that I have an unlimited supply of time ahead of me. So if I am sitting here reading this on the date that I am pretending it to be, well I have really accomplished a lot.
I am a small person and in these last ten years I still have never been able to get my weight over 120 pounds or 54.4 kilograms or 8.6 stones. I’m hoping by then I have figured out what this stones measurement is, even though I could just look it up now but I’ll leave it to give me something to do later. How do I have my degree in science and not even know that measurement? Scientists are all sorts of pretentious and are like “Oh we like the metric system because we’re smart and it makes science stuff easier!”
I think that 120 pounds is a good weight anyway. If I go below 100 pounds that is because something traumatic has happened and I got stressed out. I always used to compare myself to a goldfish in a bowl. When you change the water in the fishbowl the fish gets all stressed out and takes awhile to adapt. Hopefully, I have done enough traveling and inconsistent living that I have been able to embrace my stress. I hope that I now find comfort in it even. Maybe I am addicted to it. I hope that is the only addiction I have. Thrill seeker. Adrenaline junkie. Repo man is always intense.
Twice in these last ten years I have dropped a significant amount of weight. Once was when I got really sick. That sucked. Hopefully I had health insurance. I got sick with some food borne illness. Either Escherichia coli or Salmonella. When I’m sick I curse the corporate agro-businesses. If I don’t have health insurance I’ll refuse any medical treatment and maybe not make it to the presumed date. The other time I lost weight is when I get some bad news that throws my world upside down. I didn’t lose that much weight because I am getting a little better at getting on after all the sudden news.
I have gotten a lot more into Buddhism by now, wishing I had found it earlier. It makes the most sense to me. It has really helped me calm down. It helps me see the beauty in every moment in every day no matter what. I think the best way to approach life is to find comfort in death. Once you can understand death, everything else comes easier. I have now found my peace with death and I don’t see demons anymore. I hope I am really smart.
By the time it’s 2018 I have done a lot of traveling. I have met a lot of people from all over the world and learned all sorts of things but I still know there is always more to learn. I hope by now I have spent at least one night in every state. Ten years ago I had only spent nights in New Jersey obviously, New York, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Ohio, Vermont, Florida, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Colorado, Hawai’i, Alaska, Tennessee, 5 states of the Yucatan peninsula (should I just say Mexico, does that count?), Ireland, England, Quebec, and Ontario. I still had a lot of places to see! I’m pretty sure I spent a night or two in Kentucky as a young child but I don’t really remember it so I’m not sure if it counts so I went and stayed there again anyway (I asked my mom, she says we spent a whole week there and that it counts. I went back anyway because why not?!). Luckily, as a graduation from college gift, my uncle David gave me a book on US Hostels so it was very helpful being able to spend more nights in the rest of the country.
I remind myself to remain humble. I’m no longer upset that I am not as pretty as I once was and that my body isn’t as young and strong because I really slacked at keeping up with it. I am slightly upset I had such a hard time being happy in the moment but I am grateful that I at least got to experience all the moments I had. I no longer have any regrets. I have made peace with certain memories I’d prefer to have erased from my mind altogether, but I did learn something from it, as people around me told me I would. I knew I would, but I also thought I could be just as smart without it. I think it is the Buddhism that has given me a hand at being able to let go. Thanks!
I dye my hair magenta red again because I have a lot more gray hair and I promised younger Chelsea that I would dye my hair again once that happened. The color is much more vibrant too. I look awesome. I always thought dying my hair is fun. If people were born with such a funky red hair I know I would’ve been born with it. I just feel it inside. Since I’m not, God doesn’t get upset with me for dying it. It is kind of like painting. I have done a lot of painting in the last ten years. Sometimes people buy my paintings and I appreciate that. I wonder if they still like it or if they gave it away to a thrift store or where it’s hanging. I wonder if it burned in a fire or if the paint faded and disappeared. So it goes.
My artistic ability already peaked way back in high school, not because I don’t enjoy it, but because I don’t have all that time dedicated to it. In high school it was easy to be into the whole art thing because half the day was spent being forced to create since the teacher had run out of curricula.
Well ten years ago I was 23. I was aware of how new I still was at life but not so new that I didn’t really understand things. I knew enough to know that when I would look back in ten years that I knew very little… compared to all that stuff I know now. As aware of all that I knew then, I was only capable of knowing that much. I knew as much as I did and used it the best I could. I will look back ten years and wish if only I knew then what I know now. That is a stupid thing to wish because that is just not what life is all about, now is it? I know that and I knew that.
I do hope that in ten years I will be that much smarter. I hope that being out of school for so long hasn’t made me dumb although there is that possibility that five or so years ago I decided to go for my Ph. D or Masters or something. I think it will always be science related because studying science interests me and makes me feel proud. I like being able to tell people about how things work.
I have had a chance to read lots and lots of books. Books are good because they take you places and through things that you can do without going anywhere. The drawback is that while reading you aren’t having your own adventures. But there is only so far that one person can go in so much time. So I could learn a lot more about life and living my own life too. Is that making sense?
If things turn out for the worst, in ten years I will still be living in Cape May County, probably in the Villas, which has really gotten bad. I got a job with the city. I drive around in a big truck… well maybe not. The trucks might not be as big by then. Everything has probably changed. Ten years ago it did seem as if things were really changing pretty fast. That is good. I am still an advocate for the environment. I have really taken drastic changes to reduce my ecological footprint. In fact, I quit my job with the city because I didn’t want to have a job that used such big trucks and wasted so much time pulling up weeds that want to be there anyway. But I’m living in Cape May County which means I have probably lost a few teeth. It must be something in the water.
If things go well, I sure do hope they go well, I’ll be strong and healthy. I won’t be living around here, but I can’t predict where I’m going to be living exactly because I still haven’t seen nearly enough! I can’t even begin to imagine what video games are going to be like in ten years! Ten years ago, in 1998, I think I had just gotten my Nintendo 64 a year earlier! Craaaaazy! I was so good at Goldeneye. I learned in college that is the name of a bird, some sort of duck bird. I imagine it’s some kind of Anseriformes Anatidae.
I’ll have found a job that I truly love and I don’t know what that job is yet because I still haven’t done enough. The job is everything I want. I’ll probably be a farmer actually. Where will I be farming? Well in 2008 I was supposed to have the internship in upstate New York. Maybe after my dad got better, I didn’t want to go to Colorado anymore and I gave that farm a call and asking if I could help them. They were so excited to hear from me and I maybe I met a really cool farmer guy who had the best sense of humor and was really smart and really sexy and has dreamy blue eyes so we will make beautiful babies. I’ll probably want babies even less by then but who knows. But I know better. I know that no handsome man with a great sense of humor and brains exists. I’ll be a spinster for the rest of my life.
I have finally gotten good at playing guitar and now I even play the banjo and harmonica too! I wear overalls and my hair is probably in dreadlocks – magenta of course. My skin is always the color of caramel. My hands are feminine yet very strong. Maybe I will even smoke a corncob pipe!! Instead of smoke just bubbles come out. I am so funny. I can’t even believe how cool I have become!
Maybe I’m farming in Costa Rica even…
Maybe I got really into painting and sell stupid generic sunset paintings and survive off that.
Money still doesn’t motivate me. As long as I have enough money for rent each month. Maybe by this time I will know where I think buying a house is worth it. But since I like to keep on the move, I don’t buy much, because things just weigh me down. Even though I don’t have a great paying job, I am doing just fine. The economy has leveled off by now. That was really quite the recession though. It got really rough at times when store shelves became empty. But thank God, I lived on a farm!
If it so turns out, maybe by now I have figured out how to love back… and be loved at the same time. And we really knew this was it and actually got married. If that happened, it was probably around the age of 28… that’s only five years from now. Crap. Okay, maybe a little more time than 28… maybe like 35.
I don’t drive a car. If anything, I’ll have moped, but lots of people do that these days.
I think I’ll still be into the same kind of music.
I guess I should really get going if I want to do anything. I sure do hope I am I alive for ten more years! And I hope they are glorious!
Everything is going to work out.
Chelsea Rose, June 23, 2008
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| Chelsea, April 2008 |
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